Painting and hope

Have you ever had an experience where you've laid something aside for a season and then your heart says, "its time" to pick it up again? Ideas that have been in your heart but have not been ready to come to fruition yet?

Over the past few years I've painted a couple of pieces, but its been years since I've felt the compulsion to pick up brush & paint and put thoughts, hopes and dreams on canvas. Its been time for me to paint again, and even though it feels good to know its "time" again, it hasn't made the actual process easier.

It's amazing to me how hard it can be to find your stride, even when those gifts lie within you eager and willing. I have thrown away every piece I've made an attempt to create so far... and have been fighting the urge to feel defeated. When creating in general, I seem to struggle landing somewhere in between simplicity and complexity. If its too simple, its boring. If its too complicated, your eye can't land on anything. Either extreme leaves you feeling like something is missing.

At this point in the game is where I'm reminded that I need my Savior to walk beside me and fill in all the gaps and crevices that I can never fill on my own. It's also here I realize that the goal is not the final product- which is what we typically strive for when we think of success. (i.e. an amazing painting) The goal is the sharpening of character we experience through finding our stride. (walking with long, decisive steps in a specified direction) One of Nyah's memory verses is Romans 5: 3-4, which says that we can "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character, hope." 

I love this verse, because it reminds me that my goal is not a product or a thing. It's character, perseverance and ultimately hope. Hope not in myself but in my Savior.

So when I find myself wanting to throw in the towel out of frustration, discouragement or even despair (will things *ever* change?) I'm reminded that if I make my goal to be walking with Jesus I will find my way. I will find my stride... because I'll be walking in step with Him. My eyes will be pointed towards everything that is worth looking at. Who cares how many paintings I have to throw away to get to some that are worth keeping? I can embrace my failures knowing that God is faithful to take them and turn them into something beautiful.

Here's my hope as I continue to create:  that God will turn my mess into something worth looking at. And you know what? I believe He will.

Refreshingly Honest

I'm blown away by Joanna's refreshingly honest post. I love the concept of having a place to process life, love, and struggles and to do it with people we care about. I can't wait to see what slices of life I will get to read and to share. I don't have any wisdom to impart, but I look forward to having a place to plug it in if God brings some to me. And I anticipate being able to write down some real thoughts and real wrestling points.


And Jo? You make me proud. Good writing!!!!!

Thoughts about this subject matter and blog, please share your own.

I admit, this blog is somewhat of a catharsis, but I have a hunch that there are others who feel similarly,  so why aren't we talking more?

At times it seems premature and incomplete to tell your tale of death to new life when the death of a thing or things is nearer than the restoration of it. But then again, what truer, more real and urgent time to speak than in the wake of these supposed losses and in the days and hours of struggle and labor toward surrender and trust and ultimately the redemption of it? At least, that's the goal. 

I'm more and more convinced that walking the yellow line of the long road of this daily struggle to surrender is the narrow road toward the restoration and fullness that we imagine daily obtaining. Exactly how, why and what all that entails - here to find out. 

It's an interesting situation that at times, some find themselves in, or at least, I've found myself in. When our worlds (whatever they may be at that particular time) are broken and perhaps hopes at times drowning with it, but the Spirit within survives the destruction because of a more violent tug stronger than mind, soul, and strength. It seems even if I try to tug and claw my world back and strategically and cleverly piece it  together to have what I want ( even the good promises deeply deeply planted in one's soul from God Himself) when I want (now being the ideal), its eventually futile.   I do this in order to MAKE my place in this world, ie: a Place(belonging, your job, your role), Space (a physical person, items, home, Your health and physical appearance),  Purpose (calling, identity, visions, hopes, words, future, gifts, your people), and Name (reputation). 

At some point  it seems all is taken hostage and held for ransom of sorts until heaven and eternity knows when, but heaven and earth's best can be given. I have a hunch that this ransom note is asking for our FULL abandonment to having to have our way and our worlds. (As my Dad says "talks easy, lives hard.") But the result, - well, I want to know but part of it I believe is having  a truly pure and precious relationship with the person that created..... everything. I don't believe these places are evil in of themselves or at all unholy, they are a human's humanity, an inward tick and tug that keeps a steady beat until - well, God knows when. Bottom line, He wants just us. And he seems to be pretty hard core about it it. 

On a side note, I believe it's pointless to measure your loss by another person's loss when it's one's own personal, detailed,  and tender world. The point is - that it seems at times God allows these momentary destructions of our worlds to bring a fuller and better good out of His love and tenderness. A Tender Loving Destructive God........ 

At first glance, this seems like a massive contradiction and dichotomy, but the more I look at scripture and also look out to what God is doing in other's lives around me the more I see a theme..... And it makes me wish and want to whine, complain and panic less and trust and adore and understand the complexity and beauty of this theme more - from this side of things.  And it makes me want to share words and truths with others that find themselves walking their own similar narrow narrow road. 

So this blog - I don't see it as a place to simply and only share what feels like our "sob stories and woeful moments." But these stories and moments are real, and emotions thoughts and feelings are just as real. They may drive us toward breakdowns, downslides, self-pity, depressions, wailing and sobbing, but it's real, its our world. 

Three things I'm learning. First, that God is bigger than our humanity. Second, that God is aware of the fact that we panic and throw inward (or outward) temper tantrums like toddlers... and I don't think he flinches. Third, that God, who once was also also a human living out humanity is acquainted with grief. (Is 53:3 "A man of sorrows and familiar with suffering.")

Part of my purpose is to disarm the thought that I'm the only one that God is 'doing this to.' And not to minimize anyone's present pain within their unique and individual struggle and not to admit that it very well may be that no one truly does understand the real nature of this particular darkness , weight and confusion that it might bring. But that's what is what's cool about God. He is interested in both the person and the persons of the Bride. And he also adores her and prods her within her darkness and confusion - an understatement that I think deserves some more attention, meditation and collaborative thought. 

Truth be told - at times my flesh wants my situation to remain unique and forever dismal - somehow in that - and in channeling my childhood self - it feels better - more satisfying. But the truth be told to me - that's retarded. Better to look up and out than let my mind meddle and pick at my own present situation.

So this is a shout out and an invitation to a collective look up and out. So, the cyber floor is open to share personal stories or simply to share nuggets found within your own road, be it words, verses, visions,  insights, thoughts, truths, rebuke, sermons, songs, poems, consolations, meditations and inspirations. 

The thought is that this is a two-fold telling - one of the real stuff of the soul and two - of the real stuff of God's dealings with us as soulful and spiritual people - telling of the truth of now and the truth of tomorrow or to speak from the seat of seeing redemptions lived out.

I have a thought that it is from the distinct views from these difficulties and for some, personal tragedies or victories, towards the Lord and His Bride that a quieter, deeper, and more eternal knowing is forged and a more colorful and unencumbered love is received and reciprocated. 

Love you all, 

-Joanna